I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
