I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
