nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I have tasted many bathrooms
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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