i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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