omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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