last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
