happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
