I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
time to smoke my breakfast
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
PANTIES FOUND
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
