I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
