just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
