i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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