I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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