I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Randomize
