I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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