i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
When did we convert life to cartoon?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
