No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
