the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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