So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
