I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
