No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
