my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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