rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
