Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
