I can text with my tongue
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
