Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
