I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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