i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
