I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
