how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
