i wish my penis had a tongue
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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