I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The air was thick with penises
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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