...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
