my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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