Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
