There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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