bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
