I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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