he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
