you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
