so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
