The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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