in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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