her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
