New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
