standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
