my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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