I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
