i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
