i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
