i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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