cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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