You smell like stripper and shame
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
